Blind date: ‘He asked if I’d want to go to a swingers’ party’ | Life and style


Claire on Luke

What were you hoping for?
Someone fun, friendly and easy to talk to. I try not to have high expectations to avoid being disappointed.

First impressions?
From a 5ft distance: cute, well-groomed and a good sense of style. Then I sat down and noticed his ring and big chunky necklace, which I was less happy about. I also immediately knew he was a smoker.

What did you talk about?
I was keen to know about his salsa dancing, and he was keen to know about my taste in music. We listened to a few songs – I like to think he was satisfied with my choices.

Any awkward moments?
He asked if I’d want to go to a swingers’ party, as a joke, but I didn’t know what that was. Later I said table tennis is the only ball game I’m good at: we laughed it off.

Good table manners?
Perfect, better than mine.

Best thing about Luke?
He can dance salsa.

Would you introduce him to your friends?
Yes – they’d want him to take them dancing.

Describe Luke in three words
Cute, polite, engaging.

What do you think he made of you?
I’m really not sure. He said he would describe me as hot to his friends.

Did you go on somewhere?
He wanted to, but I had to work the next day.

And… did you kiss?
Yes! Although I basically had to ask for it…

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
If I had eaten and drunk less, and hadn’t had to work the next day, I would have loved to go on with the night.

Marks out of 10?
A solid 7.

Would you meet again?
I would, probably as a friend.

Luke on Claire

What were you hoping for?
Someone who was easy to talk to and had the potential for a few more fun nights in them.

First impressions?
Pretty nervous and wearing a great outfit.

What did you talk about?
Salsa and bachata, our families, the British and their lack of passion. I spent 15 minutes explaining what swingers’ parties are.

Any awkward moments?
When we considered having to run out of the restaurant because we didn’t know if the staff knew our meal was meant to be covered.

Good table manners?
Didn’t notice at all, so big thumbs up.

Best thing about Claire?
Her sense of culture and willingness to experience new music and activities.

Would you introduce her to your friends?
Definitely, they would all be able to bitch about me in languages I don’t understand.

Describe Claire in three words
Cultured, intelligent, gorgeous.

What do you think she made of you?
I think my British sarcasm may occasionally have come across as a little rude.

Did you go on somewhere?
Just to the tube station – it was a school night after all.

And… did you kiss?
What’s a date without a kiss?

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
Have the date on a non-school night; I would have loved to have gone dancing afterwards.

Marks out 10?
8.

Would you meet again?
Here’s hoping!

Claire and Luke ate at Mele e Pere, London W1.

Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com

If you’re looking to meet someone like‑minded, visit soulmates.theguardian.com



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Blind date: ‘I’d like to see her glasses fog up again’ | Life and style


Jen on Anna

What were you hoping for?
Either a nice time or a complete disaster, so I had an anecdote.

First impressions?
Super pretty. She has very beautiful eyes. I’m cursed with boring eyes. I was glad that she also felt out of place in the posh restaurant.

What did you talk about?
Being queer and not having role models when we were teenagers, drunken antics and our love of Keira Knightley. Three hours felt like five minutes.

Any awkward moments?
When I showed how much of a Londoner I am and thought Bristol was in the Midlands. We were “politely asked to move to the bar” because it was an hour after we should have left the table.

Good table manners?
No idea what makes good or bad table manners.

Best thing about Anna?
We have similar outlooks. A lot of what she was saying felt super-familiar. Also, her eyes.

Would you introduce her to your friends?
Yep! They are already begging to meet her.

Describe Anna in three words
Pretty, engrossing, gay.

What do you think she made of you?
I find it hard to make judgments about myself because I tend to be too harsh. She seemed to like me, though.

Did you go on somewhere?
We stayed in another bar until last orders at just before midnight.

And… did you kiss?
Yesssss! Outside the station. I am so bad at kissing, though, so I hope I didn’t embarrass myself. Her glasses fogged up, which was super cute. I’d like to see her glasses fog up again.

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
More time.

Marks out of 10?
10.

Would you meet again?
Yes!

Anna on Jen

What were you hoping for?
Someone fun and kind, and no long silences.

First impressions?
She seemed nervous, but so was I. I liked her colourful hair.

What did you talk about?
Her sister’s upcoming wedding, shitposting, the queer community, shared houses, worst drinking stories, board games, tattoos, Pride.

Any awkward moments?
We asked if we could get extra wine free and they said no, but we ordered it anyway. It cost much, much more than we expected.

Good table manners?
She handled the bewildering array of cutlery with grace.

Best thing about Jen?
The way she lights up when she talks about her volunteering.

Would you introduce her to your friends?
She’s lovely, so they’d like her.

Describe Jen in three words
Sweet, open, animated.

What do you think she made of you?
Either she thought I was funny, or she has a great fake laugh.

Did you go on somewhere?
To a pub down the road.

And… did you kiss?
A snog outside the station.

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
I’d shoot down the dessert wine idea.

Marks out of 10?
8.

Would you meet again?
We’re texting to make plans.

Jen and Anna ate at Margot, London WC2

Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com

If you’re looking to meet someone like‑minded, visit soulmates.theguardian.com



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My husband has continued to see his ex after agreeing not to | Life and style


My husband’s ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with him. My mother-in-law remains on good terms with her and is currently letting her stay at her house. My husband cheated on me with her and I forgave him. Now, when he visits his mum, he doesn’t take me with him while his ex is there, even though he agreed that he wouldn’t see her again. I don’t know what to do or how to cope with this.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Private Lives asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments that appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

If you would like fellow readers to respond to a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of about 150 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns.

All correspondence should reach us by Wednesday morning. Email private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.



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My birth mother doesn’t want to know me. Should I forget her? | Annalisa Barbieri | Life and style


I was born in 1966 and adopted as an only child by loving parents, both of whom have died in the last 10 years. I am happily married with a successful business, and no children.

My parents knew my birth mother through work and arranged the adoption privately. I tried to find my birth parents, but had no success until two years ago, when I found my father’s family and a half-brother. Sadly, my father is no longer alive, but his family have embraced me. Boosted by this, I tried again to find my mother and, with the help of a Facebook search group, I did. I discovered she had a child two years after me, followed by three more, and appears to have been married to their father since then.

I wrote her a discreet letter and received a text message asking me never to contact her again. She said it would ruin her life if her secret was revealed, and even talked of suicidal thoughts. It made me feel awful, then angry. I find it hard, knowing I have siblings I will never meet. It makes me sad to think she has had to keep this secret from her husband for so long. But I also feel rejected as a dirty secret she hoped would go away. She is on Facebook, as are my half-siblings, and it is difficult not to look at their profiles every now and again as a very happy family. Should I forget they are out there? Or make contact again?

I’m really sorry to hear about this painful experience. I’m not surprised you feel both awful and angry: those are entirely understandable emotions.

I showed your letter to child and adolescent psychotherapist Alison Roy (childpsychotherapy.org.uk), whose specialism is working with adoptive families. She didn’t think it was a healthy process to expect someone in your position, who is trying to understand and make sense of their history, to forget their birth mother. But she did say that “there are safe ways of remembering”.

There is lots of good news in your story. Your father’s family have embraced you . “One of the things that you can be really proud of,” Roy pointed out, “even though it’s hard and painful, is that you have a clear sense of what you should have been entitled to – there’s enough self-love in your letter that shows you’re not just willing to take your birth mother’s statement lying down. You know you deserved better.”

Roy thought you must be furious with your birth mother, not only for giving you up for adoption, but now for rejecting you with very threatening emotional language. So, what do you do with that fury?

I think it would be useful for you to write to her. “We do this a lot in the therapeutic work I do with adoptive families. Often it’s less about sending the letter, but a way of you working out what you want to say,” Roy said.

Write this letter safe in the knowledge that you might never send it. I used to pooh-pooh this approach, but have come round to the thinking that the act of writing it down really focuses the emotions: often things we don’t expect come out. Take the opportunity to vent. You can send it if you want – or a “safer” letter later – but take your time.

“What you have to ask yourself now is whether you are up to putting yourself in a position where you might continually be rejected,” Roy said, “or whether you want to find a way to try to make sense of what has been a very upsetting and distressing experience – but one that you can take in and grow through.”

Your birth mother and father gave you your genes, but your adoptive parents and those around you gave you your identity. You are an adult now, and who you make contact with (your birth mother, your step-siblings) is up to you, but you need to think very carefully about your motivation and what you expect to gain. Gain is an important word here. We think by making contact with family members it will add to our lives, but sometimes it erodes what we already have.

Roy wondered about your motivation. “Is this about more than just adoption? Is it about identity and your sense of self? If you’re struggling with that, you may need some therapeutic help rather than going back to the people who rejected you in the first place.”

Think carefully about what you want and need right now, and whether your birth mother is really the person to provide it.

Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence

Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

A Is For Adoption by Alison Roy is out soon



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Blind date: ‘She had already ordered a drink when I arrived, which is class’ | Life and style


Georgie on Sam

What were you hoping for?
A fun evening, to meet someone interesting and see what happens.

First impressions?
Tall, dark, handsome.

What did you talk about?
Travel stories, career paths, Heathrow airspace, Welsh rugby.

Any awkward moments?
Coming across rude when we suggested to the manager at the end that we were “too waited on”. However, loved having the napkins folded if you went to the loo, and the sommelier was a fantastic highlight.

Good table manners?
Perfect – sharing is caring.

Best thing about Sam?
Great drive for life and understanding of how people work.

Would you introduce him to your friends?
I think they’d get on well.

Describe Sam in three words
Intelligent, good hair and down-to-earth.

What do you think he made of you?
An overly smiley posh blond.

Did you go on somewhere?
Nope. Made the most of the fancy restaurant.

And… did you kiss?
On the cheek.

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
Nothing, I had a great time.

Marks out of 10?
8.

Would you meet again?
Yes, I had fun. First dates are nerve-racking so I think a second date should always be on the cards. He’s got my number.

Sam on Georgie

What were you hoping for?
Anything but a boring evening.

First impressions?
Tall, blond – and she had already ordered a drink when I arrived, which is class.

What did you talk about?
Travel, work, physiotherapy.

Any awkward moments?
Trying to pretend we weren’t on a blind date.

Good table manners?
At least as good as mine. Expert napkin folder.

Best thing about Georgie?
Her smile. And her positivity.

Would you introduce her to your friends?
I wouldn’t put her through that.

Describe Georgie in three words
Smiley, sensible, healthy.

What do you think she made of you?
Mostly (hopefully) positive?

Did you go on somewhere?
We did not, but we did stay later than anyone else.

And… did you kiss?
On the cheek.

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
I felt rude dashing off but I was about to miss the last train. Apologies, Georgie.

Marks out of 10?
7.

Would you meet again?
I think I owe her a cocktail.

Georgie and Sam ate at Roast, London SE1. Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com. If you’re looking to meet someone like-minded, visit soulmates.theguardian.com



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How we live together: The couple living with locked-in syndrome | Life and style


Kati van der Hoeven, 45
I was 21 when I had a stroke that left me with locked-in syndrome, meaning I can’t move. But that didn’t bother my husband, Henning, whom I met on a social networking site 10 years ago. We have been married for seven years. I speak with my eyes, moving them towards the letters on a board to spell out words. Henning is so used to this that he doesn’t even need the board, he just follows my eyes.

For 12 hours a day, I have assistants to help with my care, which means Henning gets to be my husband rather than my carer.

We share the same lust for life and enjoy working together, giving talks and helping to improve the lives of others with complex medical needs.

When I’m not working, we go for walks in the Finnish countryside, where we live. You wouldn’t believe the pleasure I get from feeling the sun on my face.

Henning van der Hoeven, 54
Getting to know Kati online was like a breath of fresh air. Despite her situation, she never complained, over-dramatised or felt self-pity. By the time we met in person, after eight months of chatting, her physical situation wasn’t an issue because we share the same goals.

We have carers, but in the evenings it’s just the two of us. The hardest thing to come to terms with wasn’t Kati’s needs but getting used to having strangers around the house.

Kati is a hot-headed go-getter who is ready to take on the world; I’m a level-headed realist. That’s why we make such a good team. My wife inspires me on a daily basis.

Living Underwater: by Kati van der Hoeven is published by Goldcrest.

If you have a story to tell about who you live with, fill in this form and tell us a little about your set-up.



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I have come to dread looking after my grandchild each week | Life and style


The dilemma I have a two-year-old granddaughter who my wife and I love dearly. My son and his partner have jobs and we agreed to care for her one day each week. We have found, to our shame, that we’ve come to dread these days. We both still work freelance and the arrangement frequently interferes with this and other activities. We try to make the day fun, but I find it an exhausting chore. I also feel resentful over silly things, such as the inability of the parents to provide a change of clothes or food, etc. To an extent we feel taken for granted. My instinct is to explain we underestimated the task and suggest a new arrangement. Or we could find a childminder to take our granddaughter for a couple of hours; that, of course, would require permission and would probably not be met with enthusiasm. We want to play a big part in our granddaughter’s life, but we’d be happier if this was done in circumstances more suited to our lifestyle. Is that really so bad or abnormal?

Mariella replies First, thank you – on behalf of every working parent blessed with healthy grandparents prepared to assist in lightening the load of childcare. I’d also like to thank you on behalf of the government, as I’m sure they haven’t been in touch. Our current incumbents are the latest in a long line of elected representatives who’ve failed to come up with proper funding for childcare and have instead taken advantage of grandparents to the tune of £22.5bn donated to our economy through their babysitting efforts. That’s just one of the astounding figures I came across recently while helping to launch a manifesto for Insuring Women’s Futures, a voluntary organisation highlighting mind-boggling statistics on how women, in particular, are impacted fiscally by their caring duties, among other financial obstacles.

My own parents-in-law made so many things possible for us that I am eternally in their debt. In their early 70s they took on not one but two toddlers with only 13 months between them, for weekends and even an entire week here and there, making work and precious downtime as a couple an available option.

It’s not just free babysitting that grandparents provide, but the reassurance that your kids are with adults who love them as much as you do. Friends without such back-up never fail to point out to me how lucky I’ve been. So, I hope you realise how valuable you grandparents are, particularly for the many for whom regular childcare remains – outrageously – an unaffordable luxury.

For your efforts you should be swept along on a sea of gratitude and certainly shouldn’t be feeling taken for granted or ashamed. Anyone who’s looked after a toddler knows it’s no easy task. If it weren’t for family members like you, so many parents (and women particularly) would be forced to leave their jobs or to work part-time, with a knock-on effect on family budgets, mental and physical wellbeing, and the economy as a whole.

We’re all familiar with the notion of the squeezed middle: those whose children are not yet independent and whose parents are becoming less so. Perhaps we don’t give enough thought to the likes of you and your wife, struggling to maintain a decent lifestyle while being forced back into a role you thought you’d long completed. That said, at present, you are both healthy and active, but as your child now reaches out to you for assistance, one day you may be the ones needing their support. Don’t bite the hand you may need to ask to feed you.

You are under no obligation to take on this onerous duty. But time moves on at speed and very soon these days of exhaustive effort on the caring front will be far behind you. In that not-distant future, you’ll hopefully be rewarded for today’s efforts by a rich bond with your maturing granddaughter and be integral to her life, rather than simply being distant members of her extended family. Your indignation does seem particularly raw. Is the issue less about caring for your grandchild and more about the absence of gratitude? I’m sensing the latter and wondering if you need to lay down some guidelines.

Obviously, the answer is to talk and agree a way forward that works better for you. But don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. For all the reasons I’ve given I’d be tempted to reach a compromise. The suggestion of a two-hour childcare session could work, though hardly seems worth the reverberations it may cause. If a whole day is too much for you, why not instead offer two halves, which you won’t find so onerous and still reduces their childcare costs?

Most importantly, I think you need to reset expectations and feel no compunction in asking for the practical things that would make the task easier, including support on the basics you mention. Being taken for granted is never pleasant, but neither is it worth going to war over. You are free to do as you like with your time, but don’t forget that, even in terms of self-interest, those in need today may well be your saviours further down the line.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1





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How we met: ‘I never thought I’d end up with a woman’ | Life and style


For Holly and Sian, a job interview at the end of 2006 kicked off a love story they weren’t expecting. “I was managing the New Players theatre in Charing Cross in London and looking for a front-of-house manager,” Holly says. “When Sian came in, it was a very serious interview, but I did think: ‘Wow – she’s fit.’” During a tour of the theatre, she felt a “jolt of electricity”.

As for Sian, she considered herself heterosexual. Yet, when she was offered the job, she had a feeling that it could change her life. “I wasn’t sure why, but it felt like a really big decision.”

The pair quickly formed a close friendship. “My friends were wary of her at first,” says Holly. “They thought I was falling for a straight girl and that I’d get my heart broken.” In a “work hard, play hard” atmosphere, they enjoyed drinking together at the pub in the evenings. “One day, I ended up giving her an Indian head massage,” says Sian. Looking back, there must have been more going on than she realised.

It wasn’t until Holly went away for a month for an operation that Sian started to question her feelings. “I think these days it’s easier to be gay, but at the time it was still seen as quite a big deal. It felt like something we’d have to keep secret.”

Although she had “never connected with anyone like that before”, she was conflicted. When Holly returned in March 2007, Sian went to see her. “She came to my house to tell me that she was ‘definitely not interested in women’,” Holly remembers. But after spotting Sian’s overnight bag, she wasn’t sure that she meant it.

“I knew I’d fallen for her, but it seemed easier to walk away,” explains Sian. She quickly changed her mind. “We’d had a few drinks and I remember thinking that I needed to live passionately, so I just decided to go for it. You have to grasp life with both hands,” she says.

“Plus, you probably didn’t want to get the night bus home,” Holly laughs.

They celebrated their love with a civil partnership in 2012, getting married four years later. “It seemed important to do, because it’s taken such a fight to get here,” says Holly.

Although it took Sian longer to recognise the romantic nature of their relationship, she can’t imagine life without her partner. “I’ve met someone who understands me completely and utterly,” she says. “Holly is so genuine, caring, funny and loyal. I don’t know if it’s possible to put into words the connection of meeting ‘the one’.”

For Holly, it was her partner’s warmth and kindness that stood out. “She has this amazing aura; she’s a beautiful person.”

In 2013, the couple moved to Shetland after Holly was offered a new job. “It’s such an amazing place and it was an incredible adventure,” says Sian. The couple spent their time exploring the outdoors. “We loved it there, but we were so far from friends and family and we knew we wanted to start a family.”

They made the decision to return to England 18 months later, bringing back their three rescue cats. “We were actually together for a few years before we succumbed to the lesbian cat stereotype,” says Holly. “Although, sadly, one died, so we just have two now.” They had a daughter in 2017 – Sian carried her – and now live in a small town in Suffolk.

“We haven’t always had it easy in terms of acceptance from others,” says Holly. “But we’re very lucky to have each other.”

Sian agrees. “Sometimes you have to fight for the person you love. I never thought I’d end up with a woman. But love is genderless. You fall in love with a person and for me that’s Holly.”

Want to share your story? Tell us a little about you, your partner and how you got together by filling in the form here.



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Newly single? A beginner’s guide to the best dating apps | Life and style


Swiping singles are big money – it is estimated that the dating market is worth $12bn (£9.3bn) globally. But how do we navigate the glut of options available to help us find love? With about 25 million people in the US alone thought to have regularly used dating apps this year, the sea is stocked with fish aplenty – so should we Bumble, Tinder, Happn or perhaps Grindr our way to success?

Tinder

The Tinder app



Photograph: SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

What is it? The most popular and enduring of the first wave of dating apps, Tinder was founded in 2013 as a way to help US students meet each other; in other words, a social network for friendship as well as dating. By 2015, however, Tinder had moved far beyond the campus and was registering a billion swipes on the app every day (left for “no”, right for “yes”), with users spending an average of 90 minutes a day scanning through their geographically defined options. Despite having added “super-likes” and paid-for profile consultancy, the app has become known for one simple reason: hooking up.

How do I use it? All you need to do is upload some (ideally well-lit) photos. Personal information can be as minimal as you want it to be, although men may want to be judicious in their use of dog pics: some users were accused of “dogfishing” – posing with furry friends in an effort to attract more dates – on the app.

Who will I meet? Tinder is where you are most likely to find anyone and everyone in your local area: the person you see on the train platform each morning who you swear wears a wedding ring; the primary-school friend you lost touch with 15 years ago; your boss; or maybe your ex. Either person can make the first move to start a conversation on the app, so it is anyone’s game.

Word of warning If you meet “the one”, merely removing the app from your phone won’t be enough to delete your profile – you will still be roaming the ether looking for love. You have to delete your profile as well as the app to be fully off-grid.

Use it if you are looking for … a late-night rendezvous.

Bumble

The Bumble app



Photograph: Jaap Arriens/Alamy

What is it? Billed as the female-friendly version of Tinder, Bumble is very similar except for the fact that only women can start the conversation. When it comes to same-sex matches, either person can make the first move.

How do I use it? Again, users swipe left or right depending on their preference and the requirements for signing up are minimal: images, your name and your age.

Who will I meet? With more than 55 million users, Bumble has become many people’s first port of call in the digital dating world; Tinder’s open door and hookup-centric reputation puts off some new users.

Word of warning Despite taking the lofty position of promising a platform for relationships rather than encounters, Bumble still exists for the same purpose, no matter what your matches may tell you. Watch out for the “softbois” here (alternative-minded emotional manipulators who draw you in with their promises of late-night chats about Lou Reed and Ocean Vuong then leave you high and dry).

Use it if you are looking for … flirtatious texting.

Hinge

The Hinge app



Photograph: Optura Design/Alamy

What is it? Here is where things get a little strange. Hinge’s USP is limiting your pool of potential matches to friends of friends (as gleaned from your Facebook account) or friends of friends of friends, and so on. In theory, you or someone you know should be friends with your match.

How do I use it? There is no swiping – instead, users have to answer an array of questions that are posted on their profile page, along with their (again ideally well-lit) images. Question prompts range from the basic (“Most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done” – for some reason, always a holiday) to the aspirational (“A life goal of mine”) and the bizarre (“You should not go out with me if …”).

Who will I meet? Hinge’s tagline is “Designed to be deleted” and the tenor of the conversations on the app makes it feel more relationship-focused than others. It is also prime territory for stumbling upon previous matches from other apps who have matured to Hinge’s aesthetic.

Word of warning Hinge founder Justin McLeod’s romance with his wife has been turned into an episode of Amazon’s Modern Love series, after the journalist Deborah Copaken’s column on him in the New York Times in 2015 went viral – but it could also be a Hinge cautionary tale. McLeod and his wife met in college, broke up and spent eight years apart before Copaken encouraged him to take action before it was too late. If they had used Hinge, they might never have found their way to each other again.

Use it if you are looking for … the one (or are ready to settle for less).

Happn

The Happn app



Photograph: Happn

What is it for? Things get even stranger here. Happn is designed for you to meet someone in your vicinity, ideally someone you have just brushed past on the street or made awkward eye contact with on the train (perhaps like Michael Fassbender’s opening scene in Shame).

How do I use it? You need to be on the app all the time. Every time you see someone who catches your eye, you check the app to see if they are also on it. Then, rather than approach them on the street, you strike up a digital conversation, where you painstakingly recount your non-encounter in the hope that they will agree to a planned meet. Basically, a meet-cute for the socially anxious.

Who will I meet? Anyone within a 1km radius, from colleagues to commuters and – God forbid – family members.

Word of warning You are likely to bump into your matches again, so it may be harder to live down embarrassing first dates.

Use it if you are looking for … convenience.

Raya

The Raya app


What is it? There are plenty of apps for those with a more rarefied taste – see EliteSingles, which caters for “professionals”; Luxy, which describes itself as a “millionaire dating app”; and Uniform Dating, for people whose jobs usually involve wearing a uniform (firefighters ready yourselves). But none has the cachet of Raya – the private members’ club of dating apps.

How do I use it? You can join only after being nominated by an anonymous “global committee”, which means Raya has become known as the dating app for celebs.

Who will I meet? While you may find Made in Chelsea or Hollyoaks cast members on Bumble, celebrities said to have been spotted on Raya in the past include Cara Delevingne, Teri Hatcher and Diplo.

Word of warning “Journalist” probably isn’t on the list of Raya-friendly professions, so there is no way to verify these rumours – unless you are able to join yourself.

Use it if you are looking for … a story to sell to a gossip magazine.

Lumen

The Lumen app


What is it? Tinder, Bumble and Hinge are generally targeted at 18- to 35-year-olds. Lumen is the dating app designed for over-50s. The statistics suggests that this demographic needs such a service: the ONS expects 42% of marriages to end in divorce, while 12.9% of 50- to 64-year-olds in England and Wales were single as of 2017. Perhaps as a result of all of this, STI rates among over-50s doubled between 2002 and 2012.

How do I use it? Founded in September 2018, Lumen reached 350,000 users in just six months with its canny reinterpretation of the swiping format. The interface is minimal but clunky – designed for the least tech-savvy Boomers – and has few market rivals.

Who will I meet? Late bloomers, divorcees and basically any singleton over 50 with functioning knowledge of a smartphone.

Word of warning Facebook Dating launched recently in the US. Since 72% of all online 50- to 64-year-olds use the social media site, Lumen could have a rival on its hands.

Use it if you are looking for … a partner for a single parent, or love later in life.

Grindr

The Grindr app



Photograph: Alamy

What is it? The ultimate, utilitarian ideal of the dating app world. Grindr is marketed as a “social networking app for gay, bi, trans and queer people”.

How do I use it? The app removes any frivolous pre-date agonising from the equation and has been serving all manner of location-based meetings since its launch in 2009.

Who will I meet? From the curious to the adventurous, all are welcome.

Word of warning The anti-Hinge, Grindr isn’t designed to be deleted, but rather to be a quiet fixture on your phone’s home screen, always on hand, no matter the time, place – or relationship status.

Use it if you are looking for … anything and everything.

Guardian Soulmates

Guardian Soulmates app

What is it? The Guardian’s dating app. Eighty per cent of users are Guardian readers, so your political opinions and environmental consciousness will probably be reciprocated. And it is free (to start).

How do I use it? This is a website and an app, so you can use your desktop to register your profile, images and personal details, then message away with other singles in your area. If you pay for a subscription, you can see more photos of potential soulmates, plus find out about their hobbies.

Who will I meet? The diverse range of single Guardian readers (and maybe even some journos). With Soulmates flaunting marriages on its home page, this app is one for those who are in it for the long haul.

Word of warning Do soulmates exist?

Use it if you are looking for … someone to gaze at over your morning copy of the Guardian, of course.



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I was a virgin until I met my girlfriend and I’m finding sex painful. Is this normal? | Life and style


I’m a 24-year-old man and, until recently, a virgin who had never had a girlfriend. I have started dating a girl (20) who really likes me. She told me she had had sex before meeting me and, out of embarrassment, I haven’t mentioned to her that she was my first. The first time we had sex, it was great, and very comfortable. However, it is gradually starting to feel more and more uncomfortable for me, and actually quite painful. I am worried she could have a sexually transmitted infection or something (I searched on Google), but maybe I’m being paranoid. I’m worried that she isn’t attracted to me and it’s throwing my confidence. I am quite a confident person, but this has hit me. What should I do?

You need to understand that you are at the very beginning of you and your girlfriend’s sexual partnership. At the moment, you are expecting yourself to be a perfect lover from day one, but erotic learning takes time and patience – and a lot of trial and error. You have much to learn, and the sex lesson you most need to get to grips with is to be able to talk openly and honestly with your girlfriend. You need to be able to ask her to help you to know exactly how to please her. If you can learn that skill, you will always be able to help her become aroused. In the meantime, do not expect her to respond perfectly. Be kind to yourself, and understanding and respectful towards her. Stop getting your information about sex from internet searches, and instead focus on real-time human connection.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.



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